Questions

Dear Caroline,

As more and more people are finding out our good news, the question of why often comes up. Why are we doing this? Why is it so important to us? Why am I writing you letters over a blog? I think these are fair questions and I’ll try to answer them.

Why are we doing this?

            The number one question I get is, why are we adopting? I often get lots of concern over my/our fertility. Many people assume we are unable to have biological children. And if you ever want a funny/awkward conversation, talk to a Southern lady about your perceived fertility. Although I can’t say we won’t have problems, to the best of our knowledge we are both capable of having children. I think that adoption is associated with infertile couples that try and try for a baby that will never come and so they settle for adoption. We were given a call to find you and so we are doing so. It has occurred to me that perhaps God placed this need on my heart so that if we were to find out we cannot have children we won’t be too disappointed. It just isn’t a priority for us.

Why is this so important to us?

            This question always puzzles me. I often want to ask, so if you knew your child was in China without proper care, wouldn’t you be dying to go get them? I think adoption is a calling and we are trying to make our family complete. Why wouldn’t it be important to us? We decided to do this early and plan early because we didn’t want to put it off and then not be able to accomplish this because of finances. It is important to us because you are our family.

Why am I writing letters over a blog?

            I cannot take the full credit here. My mom wrote me letters when she was pregnant with me. She wrote them for years! She wrote them in a journal and they were my graduation present from college. They were loving letters to me to share what she was feeling while she was expecting me. They talked of how expected I was and how eagerly awaited I was. They expressed her joys and frustrations. They followed me as I grew up before her eyes.  It helped me to get to know her as a person and made her life more real. The books are one of my most precious possessions and I will cherish them for always. I chose to write my letters to you via blog because I am terrible at keeping a journal. I thought that putting your letters on a blog might make me want to actually write them and keep me accountable. I thought it might also be interesting to other people as well as to you. I think a blog is like the new journal-only other people can see it. For me it just makes the most sense. And I can’t lose it over the internet!

Wish #18: I wish for you to actually read and appreciate these one day!

**Special Guest Letter**

My dearest Caroline,

This is your daddy. I want you to know when you read this that it wasn’t just your mother thinking of you. The thoughts of and prayers for you came from both of us as we prepared to have you in our lives. Right now, I am sitting on the couch with your mother next me. As we sit here, my mind wanders to what our life will be like with you. There is a hole in my heart that only you will fill. Already, I’ve been dreaming of my beautiful daughter and in this moment, I can picture you in our arms watching TV together as a family. Soon, that dream will become a reality. I only pray that I can love you enough, because you will deserve so much more than we can even give you. Luckily, you have a heavenly father that will make up the difference.

My daughter, I cannot express to you the wonder my mind feels when I contemplate that you will soon be with us. I only wish that I could express that with a greater eloquence, but the miracle you will be is beyond words. God has ordained you to live, and I honestly believe He will arrange you to be ours. Let me end this letter with that thought; for, there is nothing greater than the love of our God. More than anything, I wish for you to know that and His love.

My Wish For You (Daddy-Style): That you will stay my little girl forever and not date until you’re fifty.

Love Always,

Your Daddy

True love

Dear Caroline,

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

I write this letter to you while watching a documentary.  It is called The Strange History of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. It tells the story of one form of discrimination that prevails in my time. The documentary introduced me to the history of how the military policy began and its impact not only on individuals but society at large.

Homosexuals have been serving in militaries since the inception of militaries. I don’t think anyone can deny this fact. Many of the greatest military leaders in terms of successful campaigns were gay. Homosexuals served openly until World War Two when the military needed to save money! It was an eye-opening documentary. Three main points stood out to me and I’d like to dissect them with you.

-Hiding yourself

            The largest thing that stood out to me was that this policy made it impossible for people to be genuine. I take my heterosexuality for granted as well as my relationship with my husband. I cannot even count how many times a day I mention Thomas or my husband. So much of your life is spent with this person and to have to hide him or deny him would crush me. I think it would take away a part of who I am as a person. I ask any “straight” person to deny the person they love the most to every single person they meet or encounter. It hurt me so badly and I had tears in my eyes to hear the stories of servicemen and women. One lesbian said that she built large privacy fences in her yard so that she could be herself without lying to anyone. Her partner said that if they were out in public and someone from work saw her wife she would keep walking and pretend she didn’t even know her! In what way is that right? I challenge a straight person to do the same. In my mind service people are honest and decent. This policy makes it impossible for any gay service person to be honest or genuine. Which brings me to the next point of…

-Unit Cohesiveness

            I love the people I work with and I feel as though it is because we are so open and honest with each other. I can’t imagine being friends with someone who could not, by law, be themselves with me. On the video it discussed a serviceman who has been written up for “anti-social” behavior due to his inability to speak of his life to his co-workers. I think that inability to trust someone would disrupt unit cohesiveness much more than finding out they were gay. I also think that it stands to reason that the straight man is more at fault than the gay man. As a straight woman, I can honestly say that I am not attracted to every man and I don’t project that on to anyone. I think it stands to reason that every gay man is not attracted to every man either. It is the straight man who is so arrogant in himself that projects that on to the gay man. It is also a standard that most, if not all, of our allies in the world allow gays to openly serve in the military without everything ending or suffering a breakdown of their militaries. I think homophobia within society is the blame for the argument of unit cohesiveness.

-Homophobia in relation to Christianity

            I think I am a strange Christian and Catholic. I have always believed in relativity within religion. I will be the first to tell you that Christianity does not have a monopoly on the “truth” and it is entirely possible that there is no God at all. One of the many reasons I am Catholic is because of the focus of this life rather than having a preoccupation with heaven. Catholics do not believe that heaven is a certainty and we should not speculate on people who get to heaven meaning just because someone said they were a Christian does not guarantee a place in heaven. Only God knows people’s hearts and it is not our place to speculate on who gets into the Kingdom of Heaven. Even Judas might have had a deathbed conversion; we honestly cannot know his heart. (Judas is a whole other story.) I firmly believe there will be gays in heaven and many evangelists in hell. It is not my job or my purpose to judge anyone. It is my purpose to live my life according to God’s will and love my neighbor as myself. If you know love then you know God. That is the entire reasoning behind baptism by desire. I know many more compassionate and loving homosexuals than I know evangelists.  I believe that there is a dignity that should be respected given directly from God to every being. It is a travesty to deny that dignity for any reason but especially for God’s sake. This is a larger issue of homophobia within all churches that is ugly and incompatible with Christ.

I can honestly say that many of the best people in my life are gay. I think I would be less of a person without having known them. What I find hilarious is that “conservatives” only see the sexuality within them without having known them. When introducing a friend, I describe who they are not who they date! And yet this small part of who they are is the only thing “conservatives” see. My parting words are GET OVER IT!

Wish #16: I wish for you to find your soulmate regardless of where it is found.

Love always

Can't Escape- I'll love you til the end!

Dear Caroline,

On Wednesday we celebrated my mom’s birthday. Thomas bought steaks and we made a red velvet cake. It was a fun celebration. Thomas made such a huge deal about it. He was literally so excited he couldn’t sleep the night before my mom’s party. 

Thomas’ family never really did birthdays big. They were subdued occasions without much joy. In my family, birthdays were huge! We got two/three parties a year. We had a party with our friends and another with our family and sometimes a birthday dinner just us to go along with it. I have come to revere birthdays. Especially after last year where three unexpected and one expected deaths occurred right after each other, I have come to treat birthdays as sacred as a holy days.

I’m watching P.S. I Love You and it has an amazing quote about age and death. Daniel, a friend of the main character, says to a grieving widow after seeing a gloriously in love elderly couple, “We're so arrogant, aren't we? So afraid to age we do everything we can to prevent it. We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone, someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder, who doesn't humiliate you beyond repair...that's sweet.”

I remember the last birthday we had with my granddaddy. We had a huge fish fry at his house- at the house we’re living in now- and everyone came. I think we all knew that it was going to be the last one. We talked and shared and celebrated his life. I wonder why all birthdays aren’t celebrated this way? If each day truly isn’t promised, any birthday could be our last one. We really should savor each one. We should celebrate each person everyday but at the very least on his or her birthday!

I really do love birthdays and enjoy planning for them. We make a huge deal of them in our classroom. I always try to make Thomas’ extra special since he went so long without special days. I love that I get to share them with him and can’t wait to share them with you

Wish #15: I wish for many, many birthdays with you.

Love always

The Talk

Dear Caroline,

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the importance of family and siblings in particular. Some brothers and sisters have very little to do with each other while some are the best of friends. I would be perfectly content for you to be my only child, but I almost do not feel as though that is fair and our family might feel incomplete. I mean look at my amazing sisters. I can’t imagine not having them in my life.

My dad is an only child. My mom is one of six when you count our cousin Randy. I have always enjoyed the environment of Christmas morning with my mom’s family much more than when we would spend it with my dad’s family. I love the idea of having a big family. I love the hustle and bustle of the holidays and having a large family. I like the idea that you could potentially grow up with your best friend. I guess we’ll need to have “The Talk” I still am completely on the fence. I can appreciate the desire for biological children. I am concerned with timing and health issues. Should we have biological children, I’d want to wait until after the adoption, but is 32 too late? I want to enjoy you and savor your baby time. I wouldn’t want to be pregnant and spoil that. Something I have been thinking a lot about is adopting for the second time. I think it would foster a sense of community for you and it is something I am interested in as well. But it is so far away, I am unsure if it is something I want to do or if it is a part of the plan. One thing is for sure is that Thomas and I need to have “The Talk” about all of this. One thing that we both agree on is that we do not want children right NOW. We both want to wait until Thomas turns thirty, which is about five years from now and maybe even longer than that. I think that is really for the best, as I want you to have some cousins who are near to your age. We’ll have to start talking and praying. Just know that either way our family will never be complete without you.

Wish # 14: I wish for you to have the kind of fond memories that I have with my sisters.

Love always

Dancing for Jesus

Dear Caroline,

Today has officially been a year. We’ll never forget Kiah and we’ll be painting your rainbow toes soon enough.

Wish #13: I wish that you are dancing for Jesus before your birth.

Love always

The Journey

Dear Caroline,

Today was another day that you will learn about in school. Today marked the passing of Apple CEO, Steve Jobs. As I am writing these letters to you from my macbook, I can appreciate the contributions he made to the world in his lifetime. It has been said that he was the Thomas Edison on our time and truly made a huge difference in the world. But to me, the most interesting part of his story is the beginning. Romans tells us that “We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” I think that the story of Steve Jobs illustrates how God’s plan comes together for his plan.

Jobs was born to an unwed mother and thankfully she did not “take care” of the problem with an abortion. She decided that the right thing to do was to put him up for adoption. She ultimately selected a lawyer and his wife to become the forever family for her son. However, when he was born the family decided that they preferred a daughter instead of a son. He was then placed with the Jobs family. It makes me smile to know that God knew what He was doing when Jobs’ biological mother got pregnant. God knew what He was doing when He created Jobs male. God knew what He was doing when he was placed with the Jobs family. God knew what He was doing the entire time! God was bigger than the situation and turned mistakes for his glory. I can only begin to imagine how different the entire world would be without God’s plan or had Jobs never found his forever family.

Two things to leave you with or what stands out to me

1.) One person really can undeniably change the world. Never think that one person cannot make a difference. Steve Jobs is the perfect example of how untrue that statement is. God had a plan for him before he was born to find his forever family and to use the gifts that his Maker had given him.

2.) Adoption is such a gift and family is really what you make of it. Jobs would have never been the same person without the shared experiences and lessons he learned from his forever family. His entire life would have been different had he been raised in a different environment. I cannot even fathom how different your life could have been and I am sure that you will think of it often. However, it was not a part of your plan to grow up in China. Your plan was with your forever family living out the fullest of your potential here.

Wish #12: I wish for you to change the world on whatever scale you choose.

Love always

Candy Corn

Dear Caroline,

It has only just turned October. It has finally cooled off and everything is beginning to feel like fall. Which means that the stores and my classroom are bustling with the sounds of Halloween.

I am not a huge participant in Halloween. My parents didn’t “believe” in Halloween so I’ve never dressed up, trick-or-treated, or enjoyed it in general. Two years ago (2009) my roommates were really, really into Halloween and were shocked I had never done anything for Halloween. We went to a pumpkin patch in town and they talked me through carving pumpkins but insisted that I do the work myself to get the “experience” (Never again Caroline. Unless your dad steps up to the plate on this one, you’ll live in a pumpkin free household.) The experience was really gross. It is sticky and disgusting. We even roasted the pumpkin seeds and it reminded me of sunflower seeds in a way. I can’t even remember what I craved into my pumpkin. It rotted in three days and I was really mad that I worked so hard for something so stupid and it didn’t even last that long. I guess I’ll pass on the pumpkin carving.

The next year Thomas and I went to my friend Ashley’s house for a block party. I went trick-or-treating with my then friend and her daughter around the neighborhood. That was actually fun… for the daughter. I felt kind of creepy walking to stranger’s houses and begging for food. But the little girl had so much fun and she was an adorable little tiger. That part of Halloween I could get into. I am all about dressing you up in my mind and imagining your cute Halloween costumes.

It has occurred to me that you will be reading this much after the fact. Which honestly is making me giggle. I hope you roll your eyes and remember some of these costumes fondly. Please know that it brought me happiness even if you were completely embarrassed, but I hope you can appreciate that it made me happy! My top picks for you if you were in our lives right now.

5.) Hermonie- of course! I love Harry Potter and I hope one day you love and appreciate it too.

4.) I love the kids movie Rio and you could be Jul.

3.) You could be Rapunzel from Tangled. Also one of my favorite kids movies right now.

2.) I'd love for you to be Mulan one year.

1.) My absolute favorite idea right now for you is this cute candy corn idea! You would be precious and it is my favorite Halloween candy. I have an image in my mind and I think it is adorable.

Wish #11: I wish for years worth of fun costume memories with you.

Love always

Everybody Dies Famous in a Small Town

Dear Caroline,

I’ve been listening to one of the truest songs ever written. It is called Everybody Dies Famous in a Small Town. I was spoiled the last four years. I have been living in Valdosta where I didn’t know very many people and it was a large city regardless. I have forgotten that since moving home I regressed back to being four and being back amongst the tattlers.

Lauren, the teacher across the hall, and I have been talking about starting a Tattle-Tell Tuesday to cut down on tattling in our classrooms as it drives us both crazy. However, I didn’t know that I needed to institute this across our community as well. I have completely forgotten that being back home means that everyone will find out your business and tell on you to various people that they think can get you in trouble. It was one of the reasons I was hesitant to give into moving back to Cairo! It still irritates me that I am a grown woman and people still think that my choices are wrong and they tell on me to my mother. But I am more disappointed that my mother entertains it.

It is important to think before one speaks. It is important to ask yourself if something is true, kind, and necessary before one speaks. Just because something is true does not mean that it is kind or necessary. I would say that half the things swirling in the gossip mill this very night are not very kind or necessary. This isn’t to say that I haven’t contributed to the problem but I am saying that I am working towards not being a part of the problem. I hope to teach you from a young age not to hold idle thoughts and spread them regardless of whether or not it is true. I realize I’ll be teaching against the tide and it will not be easy! But I think it will be an easier lesson to learn at a young age rather than having to relearn it as an adult. I hope that your reputation is one of kindness and sincerity. We love you very much and we hope that you are well loved by others as well.

Wish #10: I wish that we were closer to opening some doors towards adoption.

Love always

Courageous

Dear Caroline,

I missed you so much last night it was acutely painful.

We went to see an amazing movie called Courageous by Sherwood Baptist Church. It was a movie that challenged men to step up and become better fathers. It is completely a fact that a fatherless generation is growing up in this nation. Even the fathers that are physically present are not always present emotionally. The film is basically the story of four Albany police officers along with a local handyman who all work very hard and have families. Many of them think they are doing a “good enough” job until the main character is confronted with the tragedy of losing his daughter in a drunk driving “accident” and he must come to terms with his true performance as a father. I had many emotions watching the movie. I thought a lot of Makiah and how her heaven day is only eight days away. I think of her every day and it occurred to me that often times when tragedies happen people have regrets. The most heart wrenching part of the film was the regret and the pain of living with that regret. We only have the moments that God has blessed us with and the next moment is not promised. I hope that I can live my life with you without regrets. I hope to enjoy each unpromised second with you. I hope to enjoy you as a baby, as a small child, as a child, as a pre-teen, as a teenager and as an adult. I hope to enjoy and savor each moment with you for as long as we are together without missed opportunities or regrets. I am also so thankful that I married Thomas. We both have had issues with our parents in the past and I hope that we can do things differently. I can’t promise you that we’ll never make mistakes, but I can promise you that we will be doing our best. We love you very much and we’ll be courageously loving you and fighting for you and making the tough decisions that impact you.

There was a family sitting behind us holding their infant daughter and she was cooing and hugging her mother and being delightfully sweet. I could only imagine holding you in my lap at a movie in the future and have you reach for me. It is rarely possible for me to imagine the finite details of our life together, but that moment in time was so crystal clear you were acutely missed.

Wish #9: I wish to dance with you outside when the right song comes on. I promise to dance with you!

Love always