We will wait

Dear Caroline,

This has been a very emotional week for me and I have never been as scared as I have been this week.

The saving grace was that I am surrounded by amazing people both at work and at home. The enduring phrase I have clung to is that everything is in God’s hands. Everything happens according to God’s plan. It is a real struggle for me to accept that, but if I believe that the good things are a part of God’s plan I must believe that so are the “bad”. The same architect that planned this week out designs the plan that will lead us to each other. I know in my heart that bad things happen in the world and I have faith that they are not in vain.  I have to believe that some sort of beauty and impact will come. Faith and trust are pivotal in a relationship with our Father. It isn’t always easy and I believe that faith is a gift. While I am waiting on some good news, I live in awe of the plan and how even the darkest nights can be followed by a beautiful, sunny day.

I leave you with the song Wait by Caleb. We’re waiting on many things in our lives right now including beginning the adoption process but other things as well.

We will wait, when our fire's burning bright! We will wait, when it withers in the night. We will wait, when we rise and when we fall. We will wait, through every season of the storm! We will wait on mountaintops and valleys low!

Wish #8: I wish that we can prove to you our faithfulness.

Ouch

Dear Caroline,

I have a funny story to tell you.

While in college, I was living with a friend and Thomas came over one night. I am obsessed with cooking shows and home improvement shows. We were playing around and we began to wrestle over the tv remote. It was really funny and we weren’t serious at all. Then we heard the crack. Thomas “accidently” broke my thumb. He called me a baby and I was totally milking it for attention.

I went to the student health services on campus and after a couple of x-rays we found that I was absolutely right. Thomas had broken my thumb! Well technically he fractured it, but a fracture is a break. I had to wear a cast and everything for three weeks. I looked ridiculous and it was the middle of the summer. Thomas did not even feel that sorry for me! It was a terrible summer waiting for my thumb to heal and it never really went back to normal after that. I never got full extension in it back.

Well today, three years later, it is really swollen and throbbing again. I hope I don’t have to go back to the doctor, but it really hurts. Thank Thomas!

Wish #7: I wish for no broken bones- Keep Dad away from those thumbs!

Love always

Breaks My Heart

Dear Caroline,

The world we live in is a tremulous one. There is a lot of anxiety about our economy and our money situation. We are also swept up in the political season. Next year is an election year and the bashing has already begun! In an attempt to stay more informed, we have started watching the debates and paying attention to the news. But this week we stumbled upon a nugget of wisdom that I never, ever expected to find in an airhead running for President. The candidate in question is Michele Bachmann. She has said so many ludicrous things and lets just say we don’t see eye to eye on anything. So this week when we were watching the debate I was shocked when something intelligent, although disguised as something ludicrous, I was shocked.

During the debate, Michele Bachmann made the point that another candidate issued an executive order that required children in his home state to take a relatively new vaccine against a sexually transmitted disease. Her later claims against the vaccine are incredibly ridiculous and bear no weight. However, the initial point I completely agree with.

During my senior year of high school, the university I would attending in the fall required I take the HPV shot. It was administered in three rounds. Three weeks after the third shot, I started noticing some strange changes. My circulation in my legs began to deteriorate and I started noticing that running or walking was leaving me increasingly out of breath. I went to the doctor and they said that some of these things happen sometimes. (Great doctor, huh?) All of this culminated at my high school graduation when I fainted in the high school gym. We went to a hospital and started testing. And the same doctor said that the grand results were that I was stressed! Granted, but maybe I was stressed that my doctor thought I was crazy. He gave me some techniques to de-stress and sent me on my way.

I became a fast paced freshman in college and the symptoms only increased rapidly. It got to the point where I couldn’t climb one flight of stairs without sitting down to take a break before I made it to the top. Something was not right. I finally screamed and kicked and raised enough Cain that I was finally referred to a specialist. This doctor was understanding and did and EKG and immediately found the problem.

It has been four and half years since all of this started and we are still trying to get the right dosage on my heart medication. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. My cardiologist believes without a shadow of a doubt that the vaccine and the active virus settled in my sinus node of my heart and caused permanent damage. On the CDC’s website there is a list of all of the adverse reactions associated with this vaccine and every single symptom is on the list.

So what does this have to do with Michelle Bachmann? She is absolutely right that no one should be forced to taking a shot that is elective. I didn’t slut around in college and had zero chance of catching HPV and yet my university required that I take this shot. I will live with these consequences for the rest of my life. It is irresponsible for a government to require an unnecessary, new, and untested vaccine that has many, many permanent consequences for the users in question. There have been reports of blood clots and heart conditions developing in other young women who took the vaccine. I am disappointed in the FDA for releasing a drug without thoroughly testing it first or perhaps being bought out by a drug company like Michele Bachmannn suggested.

These consequences impact you greatly. I never want my health to impact you. It is my greatest fear that this heart condition will not allow us to adopt. I am moving forward everyday and hoping and praying for a resolution. My hope is that new vaccines will have to be proven safer in the future.

Wish Six: I hope to protect you from all of the ugliness of the world.

Love always

Wedding Recap Part Five- Honeymooning

Dear Caroline,

After we were really, truly legally and spiritually married, we pranced our way out of our reception and off we were to our fabulous honeymoon, right?

Wrong!

We came by to our house first. Our amazing friends Robin, Greg, and Gary along with my third “sister” and her boyfriend came out to the house with our wedding gifts. We are so blessed to have so many people help us establish our first home. The boys played around and starting talking projects and I talked to Robin knowing that we’d be moving soon and we wouldn’t get to see each other very often after that. (As a side note, Robin is now expecting her first little one and we couldn’t be happier for her!)

After everyone left, I went up to my mom’s house and took a shower. Having second day wedding hair is kind of gross. Somewhere between the shower and leaving on our honeymoon, I LOST Thomas’ mother’s diamond earrings. They have sense forth vanished into thin air making me the worst daughter-in-law in the history of daughters-in-law. I am sure that when you’re getting married it will still be a hotly contested issue around the house. Good luck on inheriting a crazy family who means well.

After the shower and losing the earrings we were off! We spent one night in Atlanta before driving up to North Carolina. We stayed in a beautiful bed and breakfast near Asheville. It was so beautiful. By no means was going to the mountains my idea of a honeymoon and it will still be a source of complaint for me forever, but if I were to consider this as just a nice trip, it was great. It was a very nice trip. It was very relaxing and secluded. It even had a hot tub! Overall we kept to ourselves although we did go hiking and get an amazing massage. I even read a new book.

The last night before we were supposed to go home, we bought tickets to the Biltmore Estates. After we bought the tickets, I was woken up to my first true test of our wedding vows. I promised to love Thomas in sickness and in health, and he got so sick! He woke up at three in the morning and did not go back to sleep expect in the bathroom. When it was time to check out, I put in we still use the tickets as they were, in my opinion, on the expensive side. Thomas agreed. So we went anyway. Thomas was whiney and grated on my nerves to the point of a huge argument on the front lawn of the Biltmore. Lovely. We then had to drive all the way home together. Overall it was a great trip and I enjoyed it. We have made plans to return on my spring break.

Overall, I think that a honeymoon, regardless of location, is really about the bride and the groom getting a break! It was immensely stressful planning our wedding with all of the compromises along the way. Just for us to be able to escape and get away and only focus on us even for a week. It was nice to sit back and look at Thomas and know that he was my husband. So even though it was not my ideal location, we grew so much closer as a unit. So we have come to the end of the recap. That was our wedding and the beginning of our marriage. It was the first of many steps that brings you closer to our forever family.

Wish #5: I wish for you to know true, all consuming love.

Wedding Recap Part Four- Celebrating with Family and Friends

Dear Caroline,

We’re married! We got married for the second time in front these amazing French doors and after the big kiss, we entered right into the reception.

It was air-conditioned! Beautifully and amazingly air-conditioned. We were so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by so many people. An amazing Southern lady catered for us and made some of the best food I’ve ever had including some bacon wrapped sausage. I think I could eat that food everyday!

Our wedding cake was also amazing. I have a second family that would honestly do anything for me and us for them. I found a picture of what I would have liked our wedding cake to look like. I showed it to Flo and she said no problem. She made our beautiful cake as a wedding gift to us and it looked just like the picture. Truly blessed!

So many people we loved were there and so many family members came as well as friends new and old. What I remember most is how much of a blur everything was. I remember checking in with so many people, and yet not really seeing anyone. I remember my amazing mentor teacher from student teaching and her sweet, sweet girls. They looked stunning in their dresses. They passed out the favors and gave me some of the best pictures of the day. I remember weddings at that age and thinking the bride was a princess. They made me feel like one. Sweet baby Ben let me hold him and made some pretty cute faces. I remember thinking the flowers and the entire room looked amazing. I remember seeing our little sweetheart table and never getting to use it! Most special of all was 1/2 of the reason we are got married being in attendance. When I was fifteen and Thomas was a senior, his debate coach forced him to attend this tournament. That tournament was where we ultimately met and without that meeting we probably would never have even met. She has always been so supportive and kept in touch all these years. I was so happy for her to come and share this day with us. I have a feeling she'll always be present at important moments for us. I remember taking everything in and wanting more time. I remember multiple times my mom coming to me and saying its time to leave. I didn’t want to leave! I was having too good of a time. I changed out of my dress and changed into a red dress only to discover that I had forgotten to shave my legs. Oops! Sweet little Ava and Sara passed out our favors, which were sweet little cookie cutters while my mom passed out the bubbles. We got ready to leave and my sisters had decorated the car. Thankfully it was G rated as there were lots of kids in attendance. We walked (the pictures look like I pranced) to our car under a shower of bubbles. A reception is by definition a thank you for everyone. We were so happy to celebrate and share this moment with everyone who we really cared about. 

Next up hear about our sweet little honeymoon.

Love always 

Wedding Recap Part Three- Walking Down the Aisle Redo!

Dear Caroline,

As I mentioned, I was very hesitant to get married in general so we got married twice just to make sure it took. We were really blessed to have the ceremony how we wanted with the people I consider our true and faithful friends in Valdosta- I have made some pretty bad choices in the people I considered friends over the years. I really felt loved.

The next morning we got up and got “remarried” by a family friend. Our wedding night was spent in a beautiful bed and breakfast in my hometown. However, when we got in at eleven that night the air was broken. We were absolutely miserable and had guests not been in the house we’re living in now, I really believe we would have just gone home! No air conditioning in June heat in Georgia makes one miserable bride.

I was really feeling sick the morning of the Affirmation. But we sucked it up and got married (again!) on the steps of a beautiful club in my hometown. We decided that since we were already married we would walk ourselves down the aisle. My beautiful and talented cousin Carmen and her husband Tracy sang the song we walked to. The song is I Will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman. Our favorite line from the song is, "I will be true to the promise I have made, to you and to the One who gave you to me." Truly powerful to think about. They were amazing and they have a marriage we would like to have one day. We couldn't thank them enough. This was the ceremony where we could personalize our vows and we reaffirmed the promises we made the day before in front our families and our truly amazing friends who drove in from their various homes. Below is the wording from the ceremony.

Dear family and friends, on behalf of Thomas and Lani I welcome all of you for this marriage celebration. We are here today to encourage, celebrate and support the covenant these two people now make and to share in the joy that Thomas and Lani are feeling as they pledge their love and commitment to each other. We rejoice and celebrate in the ways life has led them to each other and got them to the place where they now stand.

Ecclesiastes tells us, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

At this time, we will join in the marriage celebration as Lani and Thomas repeat their vows to one another.

Thomas, since it is your intention to marry, join your right hands and declare your consent. Do you take Lani to be your lawful wedded wife to have and behold from this day on, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live.

Thankfully, Thomas said I do 

Minister: Lani, Do you take Thomas to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and behold from this day on, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live.

I also said I do!

Thomas and Lani, you have given and pledged your promises to each other, and have declared your everlasting love by exchanging vows. Your vows may have been spoken in minutes, but your promises to each other will last until your last breath. As you have pledged yourselves to meet sorrow and happiness as one family before God and this community of friends, I now pronounce them husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.

Minister: Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Mr. and Mrs. W.

And that was how we got married the second time. We then proceeded to our amazing reception. We were really blessed to be surrounded by our families, friends, and new co-workers. 

What I remember the most was the heat!  It was so hot and so miserable especially with the gnats. This ceremony lasted about ten minutes and by the end Thomas' face was covered in sweat. I remember Matt (the Best Man) and I making faces at each other. He is one of my favorite people. I remember swatting at the gnats and then thinking inappropriate, brides don't swat! I was smiling and enjoying being with my family. After our QUICK affirmation, we entered the air conditioned reception where we got to spend time with our family and eat some amazing food! 

More on that later, the lowdown on our reception and honeymoon are coming up next!

Love always

Wedding Recap Part Two- Walking Down the Aisle

Dear Caroline,

As I promised, we’re walking down the aisle- part one. One thing you must know about your mother is that she is very complicated and a people pleaser. I was always hesitant to get married and unsure that it would ever happen for me. So when the time came, we did it twice to make sure that it stuck! Thomas and I converted to Catholicism and wanted a Catholic ceremony. Everyone else isn’t and wanted a hometown wedding. Neither side was willing to compromise, so we just did both!

We picked up our amazing flowers and drove to Valdosta. I wasn’t anxious, I was just ready.

We made it to the church with time to spare. Thomas and I had agreed to be really traditional and not see each other at all before we got married. But I snuck a peak when he came in the church. He was too cute and covered his eyes and ran into the church. I think we were supposed to wait for our photographer, but I just wanted to get in the dress. So we got dressed and I paced. I was just ready to do this thing!

When Laurie got there, I remember her saying that I was one of the calmest brides she’s ever worked with. I was thinking that when you’re with your fiancé for six and a half years, dealt with distance, and accept some things about them the only thing that’s missing is the piece of paper. We were ready.

We took a lot of really amazing pictures. I think I truly looked really happy and felt really happy. Then it was time.

I saw Matt and Gary, and they looked pretty dapper themselves. Katie and Leah looked so beautiful. My dad was really quiet and we didn’t want to cry everywhere.

Canon in D came on and away they went. They closed the doors. I looked at Laurie. I looked at my dad. The music changed. The doors opened. I only saw him. I’ve read where other brides take it all in and stop and hug people along the way, but I didn’t. I only saw Thomas. (and that same RUDE person, but mostly, completely Thomas)

Our ceremony was so beautiful. My mom read 1 John 4:7-12 which is much better (in my opinion than the tired love is patient, love is a laundry list) It says

7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

That is what we want for our marriage.

I will always remember how quickly those moments went. I remember forging vows and making promises that will always be kept in my heart. I remember feeling calm and excited. I remember thinking this is my first real glimpse of forever. As you can see in the pictures, we both look so blissfully happy.

Our first kiss as an old married couple, was perfect. I love in the picture how I’ve grabbed up his suit jacket. Real passion I suppose. We were so in love on that day.

My absolute favorite picture from that day is the one below. That one was not posed. We had walked out of the sanctuary and we just looked at each other. We said I love you and he picked me up and spun me around. He put me down and I smiled and we kissed. I think that picture is a moment in time where we were perfectly happy and so in love with each other. I think that is our wedding and the beginning of our lives. 

Coming Up- Walking Ourselves Down the Aisle Part Two


Love Always

Wedding Recap Part One- Getting Ready

Dear Caroline,

I almost forgot! Today I’ve been married for three months. I was reading on another blog a recap of the author’s wedding day and I thought that doing that might be appropriate.

I am going to be completely honest. I barely remember anything! I barely remember anything about the ceremony and reception at all. It was such a looked forward to event and after a year of my mom planning just about everything, I really don’t remember much and what I do remember is actually kind of rude and will be omitted to protect the guilty. Although it isn’t really a secret and I’m sure the inevitable fights will be heard by you eventually.

I don’t really remember picking my dress. I tried on several. I knew that I did not want a big poofy dress as I had done that at prom. I wanted something sexy and with buttons down the back like my mom’s dress. Below are the almosts.

My dream dress was too expensive so I went with a very close copy. Below is the dream dress.

 I really LOVE the back of this dress.

There wasn’t really anything to “plan” besides the dresses. My mom really picked everything. We got married in our home parish where we had been confirmed the year before. That was truly special.

But about the actual day… Thomas and I were married on June 3^rd at St. John’s. The night before we had our rehearsal and our rehearsal dinner. It had a lot of drama that really should have been avoided. The guilty party knows what he or she did to ruin it for us. I went back to my hometown to spend the night and to get ready with my family.

I don’t remember much about the morning. I went at 11:00 to get my hair done by my now former Aunt. We had not done a hair trial so we were kind of hoping it would work out! We watched the Price is Right and talked. It was really, really relaxing. She also gave me my wedding day jewelry. It was beautiful and I’m really glad she gave it to me as I had forgotten to pick something out! When we were finished, I went to Hannah’s house and had Zaxby’s and champagne. We’re so classy.

We then went and picked up our beautiful flowers from the florist. I swore up and down I wanted blue hydrangeas. I love hydrangeas, but I am unsure why I pitched such a fit to have them. But they were beautiful and to make it more special, my grandparents’ wedding rings were tied into them. They were happily married for over fifty years before my Granddaddy passed on. It was so comforting when I was walking down the aisle to slip my fingers through their rings and almost feel their presence.

That’s part one. Next time we'll make it down the aisle.

Love always

A Tuesday

Dear Caroline, 


I was twelve years old on a Tuesday morning ten years ago. It was another Tuesday morning. It was so ordinary I don’t remember much about the morning. I don’t remember getting ready. If it was like any other Tuesday morning, I got up around seven and watched Good Morning America.  I was already interested in politics and world news.  I really liked strawberry toaster strudels. I remember going to school. I remember I was in seventh grade and was on the “Green Team” and I had the best teachers. I had Mr. Keve, who is still my all time favorite teacher, and Mrs. Cauley who was equally amazing.

We had a normal morning. It was so normal I don’t even remember what happened. Between classes though I got a glimpse that something was not right. I heard Mrs. Corker whispering to my math teacher that airplanes had hit the World Trade Center. I remember asking Eric Poole what the World Trade Center was and if he knew what she was talking about. He said he didn’t know where that was and we went to English. After English we went to lunch and I’m sure I had chicken strips. After recess, we went back to Mrs. Cauley’s room and she was reading us the book Holes by Louis Sachar. That day she didn’t.

She used impossible words that I didn’t know. I had no idea what “terrorist” or “hijacking” meant. I didn’t know who Osama bin Laden was or where the WTC was. I didn’t know what kind of business they did there or why anyone would want to hurt us. She handled all of this with grace. I will remember her explaining these things gently and I do not remember being afraid. But most of all I remember she mentioned you. She told us that today will be a day written about in history books and it was our job to remember every detail so that when we had our own children we could tell them everything so they would never forget. She wanted us to be able to put a face on a terrible day. She said that it was our responsibility to remember that day so we could add our voices when it was time.

During math class we finally saw what had happened. Our math teacher turned on the news. We watched the replays of the airplane striking the tower over. And over. And over. And over. I remember being truly afraid for the first time in my life. I remember that terror of the unknown of if any other attacks were coming. The worst part was that no one knew if there would be. We didn't know if we should be expecting more of this. I remember adults who normally assured me needing the same assurance for the exact same fear. Looking back on that day, I know that I did not understand what was happening. I just knew that it was really bad. I remember wanting to go home.

When I got home I remember that every single channel was flooded with footage. I learned that the Pentagon had been attacked and another plane had gone down in Pennsylvania. I remember asking God why was this happening.

I can honestly say Caroline that the world completely changed that day. New words and terrible possibilities entered my world and the rest of the world. I can’t even communicate the subtle and not so subtle things that changed that day. It was a different world before September 11, 2001 and I’m sorry that you’ll never live in a world without those consequences. These consequences have ravaged our world completely. The way we board airplanes and communicate with each other have changed. Fear is in our everyday world while before it was a distant and vague possibility. The images of that day will stay with me forever.

Mrs. Cauley was right. One day you will be in a history class and you will be reading about the early 21^st century. You will read a page with a sanitized picture of that day and you will ask me if I remember that day. I will make a face and answer honestly that I do. I remember thinking of you in a vague way and dreading this moment in which you ask. I will tell you everything I remember as clearly as I have now and hope to impress upon you how important that day was. I don’t want to frighten you, but I want you to keep this in your heart and never forget.  

#4: I wish for you to never know true fear.

Love always