We Stand Resolute

Dear Caroline,
As I look back on 2011, I cannot help but begin to look forward to 2012. Last year was the end of many chapters and the beginning of new ones. This year I hope to settle in to my new life with continued grace. I really thought about the things I need to do in order to serve my purpose. My resolutions for the year to be are

1. Read one adoption book per month.

• I hope to keep my mind focused on our goal and also educate me for the road ahead. I don’t want to get to the start line and not be properly armed with information. 

2. Live my faith.

•  I am Catholic and I cannot have a buffet sensibility about my Faith. I have to accept it all or none of it. This includes transitioning to NFP, praying more often, spending more time with my Bible, and attending Mass more often. This is really difficult for me due to location and work issues. It is difficult to commit to driving 40 minutes each week alone when Thomas is working. But I refuse to be one of those Catholics who attend Mass twice a year on Easter and Christmas. I have to live my Faith. 

3. Get our finances in order this year.

• Before we got married, we decided to merge our money at one bank. Seven months later, we still have two separate accounts and that’s not working out! We want to transition into one, unified account. We also need a checkup with the financial planner to make sure we are still on track. 

I also have minor goals including trying more food, traveling, celebrating Chinese New Year, and continuing to grow into my role as a first year teacher and new wife. Saying good-bye to 2011 is difficult as it was honestly the best year I’ve had, but I have faith that 2012 will be just as amazing.

Thomas’ resolutions are to

1.   Be neater
2.  Get our finances under control
3.  Pray more
4. Begin learning Mandarin
5. Continue settling into marriage

Wish #32: I wish for you to see growth each year!

Love always

My 2011

Dear Caroline,

As we near the end of the year, I can’t help but reflect on the year that was 2011. It was a year of so many blessing and goals accomplished that I really think this was the best year yet.

We got married this year! We have now been together for seven years. It truly was a long and winding road to the altar. But honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I graduated with my degree. On time and with HONORS. That was my goal when I enrolled in college. I wanted to finish in four years with honors so that my parents wouldn’t be supporting two kids in college. I got my degree and due to scheduling conflicts, I was unable to attend the ceremony. So I don’t have any pictures of that moment and is my biggest regret.

I started my first year of teaching this year. I teach pre-kindergarten in a time that just to have a teaching job is a blessing. I have twenty-two students and I love them all so much.

My middle sister Katie Elisabeth graduated from high school this year. While that is not my accomplishment per say, I am still excited that it happened this year.

I met my amazing student teacher, Whiddon, this year. I hope we stay in touch. Both Beal and Whiddon mean so much to me and is still a source of great inspiration.

However, my grandmother did pass away this year. It was very sudden and very sad. She wasn’t really sick and she just went in her sleep. She attended my bridal shower two weeks prior. I wrote her a thank you note and it was never delivered. While 2011 was my best year; it was also marked by sadness. I guess it shows that you have to take the good with the bad.

Wish 31: I wish that you will always find the good in every bad.

Love always

Merry [Belated] Christmas

Dear Caroline,

Let me first apologize for being such a bad mommy! We went away for Christmas and we didn’t have Internet so I am very behind on your Christmas letters. I promise to catch up before next year!

This Christmas was a bit different. We always start the season with the best of intentions. We always buy an Advent calendar and about halfway through, we quit using it! We decorate the tree and rarely turn the lights on. We always swear we’ll attend every Sunday and Holy Day and this year being so far away from a church, we rarely make them all. This year was especially different as we decided to go away this year.

My grandparents lived their lives to the very fullest. They spent a lot of time in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge in Tennessee. This being the first year without them both we decided to visit a place with so many good memories instead of being home with the bad ones.

We tried ice-skating, which was an interesting experience. One of the things I love the most about Thomas is how fearless he can be. He is always so willing to try anything regardless of how it makes him look. He wasn’t that great, but he really gave it a lot of heart. And I was just flat out terrible! [I'm in the blue scarf]

We also visited Cades Cove, which is a part of the Great Smokey Mountains National Park. Thomas loves nature and flowing water and he had ample opportunity to film some.

We got to experience Christmas through the eyes of my cousins’ son London. He was such a cutie and made Christmas so much more special. Christmas is always more special with children around.

Overall, we had a wonderful Christmas together. But the absolute best part happened on Christmas Eve. We were good Catholics and attended Mass together. We were sitting in the crowded church surrounded by families when Thomas looks over at me and says the thing all mommies-to-be want to hear. He turns to me and says, “ I wish Caroline were here.” Heart melted. I know I say it all the time, but I really mean it when I believe in your certainty. I honestly teared up and thanked God right then and there for blessing me with Thomas. I’m so blessed and happy we’re together and have the same goals. Again, I’m so sorry about the lack of letters, but promise to do better in the future. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas in Heaven with the Son. I hope you told him Happy Birthday. As much as I wish you were here, I know your Christmas was much more wondrous than ours could ever hope to be.

Wish #30: I wish you a Merry Christmas!

Love always

You Give Me Fever

Dear Caroline,

I am writing this letter to you very, very ill. I think I caught it from some of my friends although it might be a mutation. Beginning two years ago I started noticing in my friends these strange symptoms. My friends suddenly had baby radar. They could pick out a baby a mile away. They were cooing over every baby on the street. We had to stop at every baby section in every store we went to. I never really understood this strange illness known as baby fever.

Well Caroline, I have caught it in my own way. I have adoption fever! I’m fantasizing our nursery. I’m thinking ice pink with pops of red, which in Chinese means good fortune and unconditional love. I’m thinking red Chinese lanterns and little red crickets along the baseboards. I’ve started a look board and I am a woman obsessed! I’m reading books, collecting pictures, and just feel very at peace with our decision.

I think it is partially because I am so afraid of losing this feeling. I am afraid some where along the way we’ll lose this desire and I won’t have that. Right now we are so in love with you and you are at the front of our mind. We are so in love with you and you are so clear. You are firming up. You are taking shape. You are becoming real. Unfortunately, we’re in a holding pattern. I cannot wait to see your face in our placement photo. I cannot wait to see your face for the first time. I cannot wait to hold you for the first time. I cannot wait to…

Wish #29: I wish for your safety and love.

Love always

The Call

Dear Caroline,

So every time I go into a store I have to really, really fight the urge to buy to presents! I never realized how integrated you are into my mind.

My “happy place” is now completely wrapped up in you. I was in a pretty uncomfortable situation within the last week and all I could do was to place you here with us in better situations. I imagined taking you to Mass in your sweet little Christmas dress, red and green stockings, and Mary Janes. I could imagine holding you during the homily. Walking with you, crossing your arms, to receive a blessing. Kissing your sweet forehead during the sign of peace.

I also began to think of the less than pleasant aspects of this process. I am not going to lie and say that everyone will be as excited as we are. There are people in our life we are hesitant to tell because of the racial question. Until Sunday, it had not even occurred that we would be identified as being in different racial groups. But after Sunday, it is a question we need to address with other people. My attitude is that it will be their problem to deal with and should they present unhealthy tendencies they will lose all of us in their lives. It will be their problem. Not ours.

We’ve also begun praying on something new. I’ve spent so much time imagining you in my life that I almost lost sight of a larger picture. An ugly truth that I have to accept is that you were considered an orphan. There are so many orphans in this world. When I open my mind enough to let that in, it really breaks my heart. We’ve decided to start praying for a revelation of our plan in this. Does this mean we’re called to adopt more than once? Does it mean we sponsor others’ adoption? Does it mean we volunteer overseas? Does it mean we foster domestically? There are so many questions on our hearts right now and we’ll be prayerfully considering this calling. I’m starting a new book entitled Called to Adoption: A Christian's Guide to Answering the Call and I’ll let you know what you think! We’re hoping for big things Caroline.

Wish #28: I wish for you to prayerfully consider your calling.

Love always

Not Hating But...

Dear Caroline,

I feel jipped! Many of my amazing friends are expecting or are enjoying new babies. Now I’m excited and enraptured for them of course. But I’ve been flooded with non-stop baby inspiration for months now. Every time a friend posts or pins a new baby idea I’ll go looking for an adoption modification. And what do I get? Nada!

It turns out sweet child of mine that adoption is actually not as popular as I grew up thinking. So many people talk about adoption, but in actuality it is a steadily declining trend. There are absolutely still people who adopt and it is more public now than ever before. But the actual number of people adopting is actually on the decline. It makes me wonder sometimes.

I see so many sweet actual birth day ideas. “Ten Must Take Photos on Baby’s First Day” and “Cute Birth Announcement Ideas” and “Gender Reveal Announcements Ideas” and “Must try Name Reveal Games” and the list could probably go on forever. It just kind of bums me out that pregnancy is so vastly ingrained that to other people it is completely foreign to adopt. I’ve been looking for alternatives, and so far there isn’t anything cute happening in adoption land. That is held by a monopoly of the preggers. I’m happy for other people, but is pregnancy really all that cute? It actually seems kind of gross.

I remember right before my friend Ashley got pregnant. She did her homework like any mom should. She would try to tell us these horrifying stories of tearing, stitches, and who knows what else. I remember telling her that pregnancy needed to stay a mystery or I would never have biological children. She rocked out in her pregnancy and did her best to keep it a mystery for me, which is the reason I’m still open to possibly having biological children one day- HA!

All I’m saying is that yes pregnancy is a miracle. But more important, it is a visible miracle.  People can see that you are expecting and can share in that exciting time with you. They are capable of seeing the miracle. Adoption is an invisible miracle. No one really shares in my excitement in my everyday life. We don’t get asked about it. No one wishes us congratulations. No one really understands that this is a part of our future. We’re invisibly pregnant-for nine years. I’m not asking for much, but can the adoptive moms get some cute ideas on pinterest too? Jeez, that’s all I’m asking!

Wish 27: I wish for cute ideas to magically appear so you aren’t disappointed in your baby book!

Love always

Cause you gotta have Faith!

Dear Caroline,

I am emotionally spent! Today is just one of those days I want to cry it out. Between family conflict and other conflicts, I am just happy it is the weekend.

But I did realize how fortunate I am. I know that Thanksgiving was two weeks ago, but the more I was out in the world today the more I realized how fortunate I am. I live in an imperfect yet amazing country. A country that has free access to so many things including education, medicine, and water. I was driving home today and I passed a man walking home on crutches in the cold because he only had one leg. I can only imagine how that happened and how that had impacted his life. At a former job, my boss had seizures often and it always upset me. She is and was a fabulous woman. She was successful in her job and at home. Yet she still struggled occasionally with this seizure disorder and it had caused her some problems in the past. It was usually well controlled with medication but it would still occasionally flare up. Her daughter recently had her first seizure. I cannot imagine being in high school and having to worry about that for the foreseeable future.

I had a heart to heart with God today while I was driving home. I see so many ugly things in my day-to-day life. I don’t understand how these things can happen, but I do understand that I’m not meant to. We’re staring at the whole picture and we cannot see everything because we’re too close. It makes me sad, but I chose to believe that everything will work itself to the glory of God. I just have to do my part and trust in that. But it has been a long day Caroline.

Wish 26: I wish for you to have a strong faith.

Love always

Growing In My Heart

Dear Caroline,

I love that poem by e.e. cummings. It sums up how I feel about adoption. The single best way to describe adoption is that while you’ll never grow inside my tummy, you grow stronger every day in my heart. Pregnancy is a beautiful miracle. It truly is. Several of my friends have started their families recently. They experience a miracle for nine months of having their babies under their hearts. Pregnancy might be in my future but it might not be. I also get to experience a miracle. It is a unique miracle that not everyone gets. I get to dream about my miracle for nine years as opposed to nine months. Instead of growing under my heart, you get to grow in my heart. And you become more and more real every day. I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart.

Wish 25: I wish for you to carry my heart as well.

Love always

This is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

Dear Caroline,

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Wish 24: I wish to carry your heart always. Even when it isn't cool to have it.

Love always

A Prayer of Thanksgiving

Dear Caroline,

Today is Thanksgiving. I truly have so many things to be thankful for this year. This has been the best year of my life with so many amazing things happening in it. I graduated from college, married the love of my life, and started an amazing job. I have the best coworkers and supervisors plus I get to see my family on a daily basis both at home and at work. God has truly blessed us this year.

•    My amazing husband
•    My family
•    My job
•    My amazing “teaching assistant” Marie (more like life saver)
•    My kiddos
•    My friends both here in Cairo, but more importantly our friends in Valdosta who have not given up on us.
•    Adoption blogs. I’ve found so many that have given me hope lately.
•    All of our “little” blessings we often take for granted.

I wish that we had this attitude of Thanksgiving everyday. We shouldn’t need a day on a calendar to say thank you and yet we do. I am so grateful for all our blessings and I cannot wait to say thank you for you.

Wish #23: I wish for you to know how blessed you are and to always be thankful to our Father who gives it to you freely.

Love always

Get Well Soon

Dear Caroline,

I just learned something that really makes me sad. In my last letter I explained how I met Thomas in debate. I LOVED debate in high school. It was seriously my favorite thing about high school. Not only did I meet my husband there, I met a future roommate, good friends, and I earned a scholarship.

I started out pretty rocky. I began doing policy debate, which is an organized “argument” about laws or policies, my freshman year. I only placed at one tournament and it wasn’t even first place. My partner had left the tournament early as we thought we had ZERO chance of placing and we got in sooo much trouble.

Seeing as policy was not my forte I switched to individual events. There are a lot of events including, original oratory, dramatic interpretation, humorous interpretation, duo interpretation, extemporaneous speaking, impromptu speaking, and prose poetry. My sophomore year I switched to doing extemp and student congress on occasion. That is how I met your dad.

My junior year I was still getting by in doing extemp. But my senior year my friend Katie and I teamed up to perform a duo from White Oleander and I also wrote an OO. This was our year. We earned first place in OO and Duo. Unfortunately our nationals trip was in Wichita, Kansas! We still had a pretty decent time.

This morning I was on the Georgia High School Association website and I found out that debate is no longer a sanctioned event! I knew that the economy was not so great and interest, at my high school at least, had started to dwindle. I also know of several that had closed due to lack of interest and money. Still, it is like finding out an old friend has some sort of illness.

Debate means so much to me and I feel sad that is might be coming to an end. It was such a huge part of my life and so many wonderful things came from that experience. It is a sad day for me, and I am ashamed that I am just now finding out about it. Here are some of my favorite pictures from our time together. I hope that it can recover eventually.

The Carrolton tournament in 2007. We went on to win first in duo.

Amy, Katie, Me, and Abigail. Amy and I would go on to be roommates in college.

On the way to qualifiers.

Debate seniors 2007.

When we found out we were going to Nationals.

Competing in Wichita

At the John Mayer Concert on the Nats trip.

Love him!

Not to mention the single best thing that came out of debate. I met the love of my life.

Wish #22: I hope for you to fall in love with a hobby.

Love always

How I Met Your Father

Dear Caroline,

Today is a special day. Today is the day Thomas and I met SEVEN years ago in 2004! Sometimes when this day arrives, I struggle to remember my life without him in it. I obviously know he wasn’t, but I feel as though we have known each other our entire lives.

Seven years ago, I was a sophomore in high school. I was casually dating a boy I went to high school with and it wasn’t serious. I was all over the place in high school. I was highly motivated and organized. I had friends and was friends the popular kids, but I wouldn’t describe myself as having been popular. I was in many clubs including the debate team. I went to a couple of tournaments but to be honest, I was still really new and wasn’t very good! I was not particularly interested in heading to Carrolton to compete and I can’t really remember what it was that convinced me to go. Regardless, I agreed to go. We went with a neighboring high school and my friend Travis went as well.

I was very nervous. The tournament was huge! I wasn’t very confident and I wasn’t expecting very much from it. On the way up our coach informed us that we would be competing in student congress, an event that I had zero experience in. Travis and I read through the packet once or twice. I remember that Travis sang Popular from the musical Wicked the entire way from Cairo to Carrolton, which is about four hours.

When we arrived, we checked into our hotel. I briefly, as in a memory flash, remember Mrs. LeGette talking to a woman wearing glasses. Travis and I just kind of stood behind her while they talked and we noticed a guy wearing potato shoes but we didn’t look at his face!

After we checked into our hotel, we went to the campus at the University of West Georgia for the debate tournament. We were grouped into our events and the same guy Travis and I had been laughing at earlier came up to us and started talking. We were not impressed.

As we were walking across the campus he started talking about Star Wars. We ended up sitting next to each other and I wrapped up under a blanket with a Georgia bulldawg on it. 

The Student Congress session talked about a lot of hot button issues at the time such as gay marriage and AIDS research. We formed a voting block and were still squashed by the private schools from Atlanta. We even gave them quirky nicknames that are not polite to repeat.

After the session was over, we were still finished about an hour before the other events were done. Thomas and I ended up talking the entire time about our lives. He was so nice and charming and had so many goals. It was not one of those awkward first meetings. It was like I was meeting an old friend.

My high school and his were staying at the same hotel. I had wild hair then (aah time before hair straighteners) and I remember screaming at Travis to close the door as Thomas walked by and saw me in my pjs! I didn’t get much sleep and I was so anxious to see him again.

The next day was our real day of competition. I was doing extemporaneous speaking at the time and I was terrible! I was wearing a pair of pink jeans and a rainbow sweater. It is a miracle anyone talked to me looking that way. Everywhere I went that day, I saw Thomas. It was as though we were together all day. He opened every door, said all the right things, and of course we exchanged information. We had a great two days and I thought that was it.

Two weeks later we met again and my life changed. But that is another story.

Ultimately I believe that everything in life is about timing and being in the right place at the right time. I am very blessed to have found my someone at such a young age. God truly has a plan for everyone and we only have to trust in it. I think that God really designed Thomas as someone who was perfect for me. We work so neatly and perfectly together. And to think if either of us had skipped out on the trip, we probably never would have met. I cannot be thankful enough for the plan and the little things that brought us together for the first ime.

Wish #21: I wish for you to trust in God’s perfect timing.

Love always

Dreams

Dear Caroline,

I set a great store on dreams. I believe that dreams can be a way for God and our inner most selves to communicate with us. Don’t get me wrong, most dreams are random but every now and then an amazing truth can come to us while we sleep.

This is an obvious given with me. This journey began eleven years ago with a dream I had of you. I was in a field with really tall grass and I was counting. I opened my eyes and I began to hear the sweetest giggles I’ve never heard. I heard a voice calling to me saying mommy. Then I found you! You were so beautiful in a blue gingham dress and a smile that lit up the room. Over the years I’ve had other dreams of you and have come to believe without a shadow of a doubt that this is our calling.

Over the past two years, I have begun having dreams of other children. Last night I had another one. I always dream of twin boys. I’ve dreamt of being pregnant, baby boys, and being a mother to them.  Last night was another such dream. It was so weird and I’ve had it before. We’re driving home from the hospital with our new babies. In the dream they are named and they are perfect names. I always remember their toes and sweet hands. I remember looking at Thomas each with a perfect baby in loving arms. I always want it to last just one second longer.

I never know if this dream can be real or not. maybe or maybe not. I guess we’ll all find out together won’t we?

Wish #20 (We’re 1/5^th of the way to the 100!) I wish for God’s clarity. There are no plans other than His.

Love always

Breakfast and Roses

Dear Caroline,

Your dad loves me very much. Currently Thomas works on the night shift at a rehab center in a neighboring town. Usually he leaves for work just as I am getting home. When he gets home I am usually heading out the door. He works for three days then is off for three days. I can get lonely when he is working and we miss each other terribly.

Yesterday he surprised me with bring me breakfast. We kissed each other goodbye and I went to work. The morning went as usual except that we continued to see unruly behavior. We were also stressed out waiting on our state consultant to pay us a visit. I look up from my computer and I see my mom standing at our door with a dozen white roses. They are my absolute favorite. The note simply said, “I love you, princess”.

Marriage is difficult. The first five months of marriage have been an adjustment, but the best part of marriage means that you get to spend the rest of your life with your best friend. We promised to love each other for better or for worse. At the end of the day, we remember we are committed to each other and love one another. I get to build my future with someone I love very much. Plus I get to brag about my roses.

Love always

Wish #19: I hope you fall in love with someone who makes you breakfast and sends roses just to make you smile.

Questions

Dear Caroline,

As more and more people are finding out our good news, the question of why often comes up. Why are we doing this? Why is it so important to us? Why am I writing you letters over a blog? I think these are fair questions and I’ll try to answer them.

Why are we doing this?

            The number one question I get is, why are we adopting? I often get lots of concern over my/our fertility. Many people assume we are unable to have biological children. And if you ever want a funny/awkward conversation, talk to a Southern lady about your perceived fertility. Although I can’t say we won’t have problems, to the best of our knowledge we are both capable of having children. I think that adoption is associated with infertile couples that try and try for a baby that will never come and so they settle for adoption. We were given a call to find you and so we are doing so. It has occurred to me that perhaps God placed this need on my heart so that if we were to find out we cannot have children we won’t be too disappointed. It just isn’t a priority for us.

Why is this so important to us?

            This question always puzzles me. I often want to ask, so if you knew your child was in China without proper care, wouldn’t you be dying to go get them? I think adoption is a calling and we are trying to make our family complete. Why wouldn’t it be important to us? We decided to do this early and plan early because we didn’t want to put it off and then not be able to accomplish this because of finances. It is important to us because you are our family.

Why am I writing letters over a blog?

            I cannot take the full credit here. My mom wrote me letters when she was pregnant with me. She wrote them for years! She wrote them in a journal and they were my graduation present from college. They were loving letters to me to share what she was feeling while she was expecting me. They talked of how expected I was and how eagerly awaited I was. They expressed her joys and frustrations. They followed me as I grew up before her eyes.  It helped me to get to know her as a person and made her life more real. The books are one of my most precious possessions and I will cherish them for always. I chose to write my letters to you via blog because I am terrible at keeping a journal. I thought that putting your letters on a blog might make me want to actually write them and keep me accountable. I thought it might also be interesting to other people as well as to you. I think a blog is like the new journal-only other people can see it. For me it just makes the most sense. And I can’t lose it over the internet!

Wish #18: I wish for you to actually read and appreciate these one day!

**Special Guest Letter**

My dearest Caroline,

This is your daddy. I want you to know when you read this that it wasn’t just your mother thinking of you. The thoughts of and prayers for you came from both of us as we prepared to have you in our lives. Right now, I am sitting on the couch with your mother next me. As we sit here, my mind wanders to what our life will be like with you. There is a hole in my heart that only you will fill. Already, I’ve been dreaming of my beautiful daughter and in this moment, I can picture you in our arms watching TV together as a family. Soon, that dream will become a reality. I only pray that I can love you enough, because you will deserve so much more than we can even give you. Luckily, you have a heavenly father that will make up the difference.

My daughter, I cannot express to you the wonder my mind feels when I contemplate that you will soon be with us. I only wish that I could express that with a greater eloquence, but the miracle you will be is beyond words. God has ordained you to live, and I honestly believe He will arrange you to be ours. Let me end this letter with that thought; for, there is nothing greater than the love of our God. More than anything, I wish for you to know that and His love.

My Wish For You (Daddy-Style): That you will stay my little girl forever and not date until you’re fifty.

Love Always,

Your Daddy

True love

Dear Caroline,

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

I write this letter to you while watching a documentary.  It is called The Strange History of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. It tells the story of one form of discrimination that prevails in my time. The documentary introduced me to the history of how the military policy began and its impact not only on individuals but society at large.

Homosexuals have been serving in militaries since the inception of militaries. I don’t think anyone can deny this fact. Many of the greatest military leaders in terms of successful campaigns were gay. Homosexuals served openly until World War Two when the military needed to save money! It was an eye-opening documentary. Three main points stood out to me and I’d like to dissect them with you.

-Hiding yourself

            The largest thing that stood out to me was that this policy made it impossible for people to be genuine. I take my heterosexuality for granted as well as my relationship with my husband. I cannot even count how many times a day I mention Thomas or my husband. So much of your life is spent with this person and to have to hide him or deny him would crush me. I think it would take away a part of who I am as a person. I ask any “straight” person to deny the person they love the most to every single person they meet or encounter. It hurt me so badly and I had tears in my eyes to hear the stories of servicemen and women. One lesbian said that she built large privacy fences in her yard so that she could be herself without lying to anyone. Her partner said that if they were out in public and someone from work saw her wife she would keep walking and pretend she didn’t even know her! In what way is that right? I challenge a straight person to do the same. In my mind service people are honest and decent. This policy makes it impossible for any gay service person to be honest or genuine. Which brings me to the next point of…

-Unit Cohesiveness

            I love the people I work with and I feel as though it is because we are so open and honest with each other. I can’t imagine being friends with someone who could not, by law, be themselves with me. On the video it discussed a serviceman who has been written up for “anti-social” behavior due to his inability to speak of his life to his co-workers. I think that inability to trust someone would disrupt unit cohesiveness much more than finding out they were gay. I also think that it stands to reason that the straight man is more at fault than the gay man. As a straight woman, I can honestly say that I am not attracted to every man and I don’t project that on to anyone. I think it stands to reason that every gay man is not attracted to every man either. It is the straight man who is so arrogant in himself that projects that on to the gay man. It is also a standard that most, if not all, of our allies in the world allow gays to openly serve in the military without everything ending or suffering a breakdown of their militaries. I think homophobia within society is the blame for the argument of unit cohesiveness.

-Homophobia in relation to Christianity

            I think I am a strange Christian and Catholic. I have always believed in relativity within religion. I will be the first to tell you that Christianity does not have a monopoly on the “truth” and it is entirely possible that there is no God at all. One of the many reasons I am Catholic is because of the focus of this life rather than having a preoccupation with heaven. Catholics do not believe that heaven is a certainty and we should not speculate on people who get to heaven meaning just because someone said they were a Christian does not guarantee a place in heaven. Only God knows people’s hearts and it is not our place to speculate on who gets into the Kingdom of Heaven. Even Judas might have had a deathbed conversion; we honestly cannot know his heart. (Judas is a whole other story.) I firmly believe there will be gays in heaven and many evangelists in hell. It is not my job or my purpose to judge anyone. It is my purpose to live my life according to God’s will and love my neighbor as myself. If you know love then you know God. That is the entire reasoning behind baptism by desire. I know many more compassionate and loving homosexuals than I know evangelists.  I believe that there is a dignity that should be respected given directly from God to every being. It is a travesty to deny that dignity for any reason but especially for God’s sake. This is a larger issue of homophobia within all churches that is ugly and incompatible with Christ.

I can honestly say that many of the best people in my life are gay. I think I would be less of a person without having known them. What I find hilarious is that “conservatives” only see the sexuality within them without having known them. When introducing a friend, I describe who they are not who they date! And yet this small part of who they are is the only thing “conservatives” see. My parting words are GET OVER IT!

Wish #16: I wish for you to find your soulmate regardless of where it is found.

Love always

Can't Escape- I'll love you til the end!

Dear Caroline,

On Wednesday we celebrated my mom’s birthday. Thomas bought steaks and we made a red velvet cake. It was a fun celebration. Thomas made such a huge deal about it. He was literally so excited he couldn’t sleep the night before my mom’s party. 

Thomas’ family never really did birthdays big. They were subdued occasions without much joy. In my family, birthdays were huge! We got two/three parties a year. We had a party with our friends and another with our family and sometimes a birthday dinner just us to go along with it. I have come to revere birthdays. Especially after last year where three unexpected and one expected deaths occurred right after each other, I have come to treat birthdays as sacred as a holy days.

I’m watching P.S. I Love You and it has an amazing quote about age and death. Daniel, a friend of the main character, says to a grieving widow after seeing a gloriously in love elderly couple, “We're so arrogant, aren't we? So afraid to age we do everything we can to prevent it. We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone, someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder, who doesn't humiliate you beyond repair...that's sweet.”

I remember the last birthday we had with my granddaddy. We had a huge fish fry at his house- at the house we’re living in now- and everyone came. I think we all knew that it was going to be the last one. We talked and shared and celebrated his life. I wonder why all birthdays aren’t celebrated this way? If each day truly isn’t promised, any birthday could be our last one. We really should savor each one. We should celebrate each person everyday but at the very least on his or her birthday!

I really do love birthdays and enjoy planning for them. We make a huge deal of them in our classroom. I always try to make Thomas’ extra special since he went so long without special days. I love that I get to share them with him and can’t wait to share them with you

Wish #15: I wish for many, many birthdays with you.

Love always

The Talk

Dear Caroline,

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the importance of family and siblings in particular. Some brothers and sisters have very little to do with each other while some are the best of friends. I would be perfectly content for you to be my only child, but I almost do not feel as though that is fair and our family might feel incomplete. I mean look at my amazing sisters. I can’t imagine not having them in my life.

My dad is an only child. My mom is one of six when you count our cousin Randy. I have always enjoyed the environment of Christmas morning with my mom’s family much more than when we would spend it with my dad’s family. I love the idea of having a big family. I love the hustle and bustle of the holidays and having a large family. I like the idea that you could potentially grow up with your best friend. I guess we’ll need to have “The Talk” I still am completely on the fence. I can appreciate the desire for biological children. I am concerned with timing and health issues. Should we have biological children, I’d want to wait until after the adoption, but is 32 too late? I want to enjoy you and savor your baby time. I wouldn’t want to be pregnant and spoil that. Something I have been thinking a lot about is adopting for the second time. I think it would foster a sense of community for you and it is something I am interested in as well. But it is so far away, I am unsure if it is something I want to do or if it is a part of the plan. One thing is for sure is that Thomas and I need to have “The Talk” about all of this. One thing that we both agree on is that we do not want children right NOW. We both want to wait until Thomas turns thirty, which is about five years from now and maybe even longer than that. I think that is really for the best, as I want you to have some cousins who are near to your age. We’ll have to start talking and praying. Just know that either way our family will never be complete without you.

Wish # 14: I wish for you to have the kind of fond memories that I have with my sisters.

Love always

Dancing for Jesus

Dear Caroline,

Today has officially been a year. We’ll never forget Kiah and we’ll be painting your rainbow toes soon enough.

Wish #13: I wish that you are dancing for Jesus before your birth.

Love always

The Journey

Dear Caroline,

Today was another day that you will learn about in school. Today marked the passing of Apple CEO, Steve Jobs. As I am writing these letters to you from my macbook, I can appreciate the contributions he made to the world in his lifetime. It has been said that he was the Thomas Edison on our time and truly made a huge difference in the world. But to me, the most interesting part of his story is the beginning. Romans tells us that “We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” I think that the story of Steve Jobs illustrates how God’s plan comes together for his plan.

Jobs was born to an unwed mother and thankfully she did not “take care” of the problem with an abortion. She decided that the right thing to do was to put him up for adoption. She ultimately selected a lawyer and his wife to become the forever family for her son. However, when he was born the family decided that they preferred a daughter instead of a son. He was then placed with the Jobs family. It makes me smile to know that God knew what He was doing when Jobs’ biological mother got pregnant. God knew what He was doing when He created Jobs male. God knew what He was doing when he was placed with the Jobs family. God knew what He was doing the entire time! God was bigger than the situation and turned mistakes for his glory. I can only begin to imagine how different the entire world would be without God’s plan or had Jobs never found his forever family.

Two things to leave you with or what stands out to me

1.) One person really can undeniably change the world. Never think that one person cannot make a difference. Steve Jobs is the perfect example of how untrue that statement is. God had a plan for him before he was born to find his forever family and to use the gifts that his Maker had given him.

2.) Adoption is such a gift and family is really what you make of it. Jobs would have never been the same person without the shared experiences and lessons he learned from his forever family. His entire life would have been different had he been raised in a different environment. I cannot even fathom how different your life could have been and I am sure that you will think of it often. However, it was not a part of your plan to grow up in China. Your plan was with your forever family living out the fullest of your potential here.

Wish #12: I wish for you to change the world on whatever scale you choose.

Love always

Candy Corn

Dear Caroline,

It has only just turned October. It has finally cooled off and everything is beginning to feel like fall. Which means that the stores and my classroom are bustling with the sounds of Halloween.

I am not a huge participant in Halloween. My parents didn’t “believe” in Halloween so I’ve never dressed up, trick-or-treated, or enjoyed it in general. Two years ago (2009) my roommates were really, really into Halloween and were shocked I had never done anything for Halloween. We went to a pumpkin patch in town and they talked me through carving pumpkins but insisted that I do the work myself to get the “experience” (Never again Caroline. Unless your dad steps up to the plate on this one, you’ll live in a pumpkin free household.) The experience was really gross. It is sticky and disgusting. We even roasted the pumpkin seeds and it reminded me of sunflower seeds in a way. I can’t even remember what I craved into my pumpkin. It rotted in three days and I was really mad that I worked so hard for something so stupid and it didn’t even last that long. I guess I’ll pass on the pumpkin carving.

The next year Thomas and I went to my friend Ashley’s house for a block party. I went trick-or-treating with my then friend and her daughter around the neighborhood. That was actually fun… for the daughter. I felt kind of creepy walking to stranger’s houses and begging for food. But the little girl had so much fun and she was an adorable little tiger. That part of Halloween I could get into. I am all about dressing you up in my mind and imagining your cute Halloween costumes.

It has occurred to me that you will be reading this much after the fact. Which honestly is making me giggle. I hope you roll your eyes and remember some of these costumes fondly. Please know that it brought me happiness even if you were completely embarrassed, but I hope you can appreciate that it made me happy! My top picks for you if you were in our lives right now.

5.) Hermonie- of course! I love Harry Potter and I hope one day you love and appreciate it too.

4.) I love the kids movie Rio and you could be Jul.

3.) You could be Rapunzel from Tangled. Also one of my favorite kids movies right now.

2.) I'd love for you to be Mulan one year.

1.) My absolute favorite idea right now for you is this cute candy corn idea! You would be precious and it is my favorite Halloween candy. I have an image in my mind and I think it is adorable.

Wish #11: I wish for years worth of fun costume memories with you.

Love always

Everybody Dies Famous in a Small Town

Dear Caroline,

I’ve been listening to one of the truest songs ever written. It is called Everybody Dies Famous in a Small Town. I was spoiled the last four years. I have been living in Valdosta where I didn’t know very many people and it was a large city regardless. I have forgotten that since moving home I regressed back to being four and being back amongst the tattlers.

Lauren, the teacher across the hall, and I have been talking about starting a Tattle-Tell Tuesday to cut down on tattling in our classrooms as it drives us both crazy. However, I didn’t know that I needed to institute this across our community as well. I have completely forgotten that being back home means that everyone will find out your business and tell on you to various people that they think can get you in trouble. It was one of the reasons I was hesitant to give into moving back to Cairo! It still irritates me that I am a grown woman and people still think that my choices are wrong and they tell on me to my mother. But I am more disappointed that my mother entertains it.

It is important to think before one speaks. It is important to ask yourself if something is true, kind, and necessary before one speaks. Just because something is true does not mean that it is kind or necessary. I would say that half the things swirling in the gossip mill this very night are not very kind or necessary. This isn’t to say that I haven’t contributed to the problem but I am saying that I am working towards not being a part of the problem. I hope to teach you from a young age not to hold idle thoughts and spread them regardless of whether or not it is true. I realize I’ll be teaching against the tide and it will not be easy! But I think it will be an easier lesson to learn at a young age rather than having to relearn it as an adult. I hope that your reputation is one of kindness and sincerity. We love you very much and we hope that you are well loved by others as well.

Wish #10: I wish that we were closer to opening some doors towards adoption.

Love always

Courageous

Dear Caroline,

I missed you so much last night it was acutely painful.

We went to see an amazing movie called Courageous by Sherwood Baptist Church. It was a movie that challenged men to step up and become better fathers. It is completely a fact that a fatherless generation is growing up in this nation. Even the fathers that are physically present are not always present emotionally. The film is basically the story of four Albany police officers along with a local handyman who all work very hard and have families. Many of them think they are doing a “good enough” job until the main character is confronted with the tragedy of losing his daughter in a drunk driving “accident” and he must come to terms with his true performance as a father. I had many emotions watching the movie. I thought a lot of Makiah and how her heaven day is only eight days away. I think of her every day and it occurred to me that often times when tragedies happen people have regrets. The most heart wrenching part of the film was the regret and the pain of living with that regret. We only have the moments that God has blessed us with and the next moment is not promised. I hope that I can live my life with you without regrets. I hope to enjoy each unpromised second with you. I hope to enjoy you as a baby, as a small child, as a child, as a pre-teen, as a teenager and as an adult. I hope to enjoy and savor each moment with you for as long as we are together without missed opportunities or regrets. I am also so thankful that I married Thomas. We both have had issues with our parents in the past and I hope that we can do things differently. I can’t promise you that we’ll never make mistakes, but I can promise you that we will be doing our best. We love you very much and we’ll be courageously loving you and fighting for you and making the tough decisions that impact you.

There was a family sitting behind us holding their infant daughter and she was cooing and hugging her mother and being delightfully sweet. I could only imagine holding you in my lap at a movie in the future and have you reach for me. It is rarely possible for me to imagine the finite details of our life together, but that moment in time was so crystal clear you were acutely missed.

Wish #9: I wish to dance with you outside when the right song comes on. I promise to dance with you!

Love always

We will wait

Dear Caroline,

This has been a very emotional week for me and I have never been as scared as I have been this week.

The saving grace was that I am surrounded by amazing people both at work and at home. The enduring phrase I have clung to is that everything is in God’s hands. Everything happens according to God’s plan. It is a real struggle for me to accept that, but if I believe that the good things are a part of God’s plan I must believe that so are the “bad”. The same architect that planned this week out designs the plan that will lead us to each other. I know in my heart that bad things happen in the world and I have faith that they are not in vain.  I have to believe that some sort of beauty and impact will come. Faith and trust are pivotal in a relationship with our Father. It isn’t always easy and I believe that faith is a gift. While I am waiting on some good news, I live in awe of the plan and how even the darkest nights can be followed by a beautiful, sunny day.

I leave you with the song Wait by Caleb. We’re waiting on many things in our lives right now including beginning the adoption process but other things as well.

We will wait, when our fire's burning bright! We will wait, when it withers in the night. We will wait, when we rise and when we fall. We will wait, through every season of the storm! We will wait on mountaintops and valleys low!

Wish #8: I wish that we can prove to you our faithfulness.

Ouch

Dear Caroline,

I have a funny story to tell you.

While in college, I was living with a friend and Thomas came over one night. I am obsessed with cooking shows and home improvement shows. We were playing around and we began to wrestle over the tv remote. It was really funny and we weren’t serious at all. Then we heard the crack. Thomas “accidently” broke my thumb. He called me a baby and I was totally milking it for attention.

I went to the student health services on campus and after a couple of x-rays we found that I was absolutely right. Thomas had broken my thumb! Well technically he fractured it, but a fracture is a break. I had to wear a cast and everything for three weeks. I looked ridiculous and it was the middle of the summer. Thomas did not even feel that sorry for me! It was a terrible summer waiting for my thumb to heal and it never really went back to normal after that. I never got full extension in it back.

Well today, three years later, it is really swollen and throbbing again. I hope I don’t have to go back to the doctor, but it really hurts. Thank Thomas!

Wish #7: I wish for no broken bones- Keep Dad away from those thumbs!

Love always

Breaks My Heart

Dear Caroline,

The world we live in is a tremulous one. There is a lot of anxiety about our economy and our money situation. We are also swept up in the political season. Next year is an election year and the bashing has already begun! In an attempt to stay more informed, we have started watching the debates and paying attention to the news. But this week we stumbled upon a nugget of wisdom that I never, ever expected to find in an airhead running for President. The candidate in question is Michele Bachmann. She has said so many ludicrous things and lets just say we don’t see eye to eye on anything. So this week when we were watching the debate I was shocked when something intelligent, although disguised as something ludicrous, I was shocked.

During the debate, Michele Bachmann made the point that another candidate issued an executive order that required children in his home state to take a relatively new vaccine against a sexually transmitted disease. Her later claims against the vaccine are incredibly ridiculous and bear no weight. However, the initial point I completely agree with.

During my senior year of high school, the university I would attending in the fall required I take the HPV shot. It was administered in three rounds. Three weeks after the third shot, I started noticing some strange changes. My circulation in my legs began to deteriorate and I started noticing that running or walking was leaving me increasingly out of breath. I went to the doctor and they said that some of these things happen sometimes. (Great doctor, huh?) All of this culminated at my high school graduation when I fainted in the high school gym. We went to a hospital and started testing. And the same doctor said that the grand results were that I was stressed! Granted, but maybe I was stressed that my doctor thought I was crazy. He gave me some techniques to de-stress and sent me on my way.

I became a fast paced freshman in college and the symptoms only increased rapidly. It got to the point where I couldn’t climb one flight of stairs without sitting down to take a break before I made it to the top. Something was not right. I finally screamed and kicked and raised enough Cain that I was finally referred to a specialist. This doctor was understanding and did and EKG and immediately found the problem.

It has been four and half years since all of this started and we are still trying to get the right dosage on my heart medication. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. My cardiologist believes without a shadow of a doubt that the vaccine and the active virus settled in my sinus node of my heart and caused permanent damage. On the CDC’s website there is a list of all of the adverse reactions associated with this vaccine and every single symptom is on the list.

So what does this have to do with Michelle Bachmann? She is absolutely right that no one should be forced to taking a shot that is elective. I didn’t slut around in college and had zero chance of catching HPV and yet my university required that I take this shot. I will live with these consequences for the rest of my life. It is irresponsible for a government to require an unnecessary, new, and untested vaccine that has many, many permanent consequences for the users in question. There have been reports of blood clots and heart conditions developing in other young women who took the vaccine. I am disappointed in the FDA for releasing a drug without thoroughly testing it first or perhaps being bought out by a drug company like Michele Bachmannn suggested.

These consequences impact you greatly. I never want my health to impact you. It is my greatest fear that this heart condition will not allow us to adopt. I am moving forward everyday and hoping and praying for a resolution. My hope is that new vaccines will have to be proven safer in the future.

Wish Six: I hope to protect you from all of the ugliness of the world.

Love always

Wedding Recap Part Five- Honeymooning

Dear Caroline,

After we were really, truly legally and spiritually married, we pranced our way out of our reception and off we were to our fabulous honeymoon, right?

Wrong!

We came by to our house first. Our amazing friends Robin, Greg, and Gary along with my third “sister” and her boyfriend came out to the house with our wedding gifts. We are so blessed to have so many people help us establish our first home. The boys played around and starting talking projects and I talked to Robin knowing that we’d be moving soon and we wouldn’t get to see each other very often after that. (As a side note, Robin is now expecting her first little one and we couldn’t be happier for her!)

After everyone left, I went up to my mom’s house and took a shower. Having second day wedding hair is kind of gross. Somewhere between the shower and leaving on our honeymoon, I LOST Thomas’ mother’s diamond earrings. They have sense forth vanished into thin air making me the worst daughter-in-law in the history of daughters-in-law. I am sure that when you’re getting married it will still be a hotly contested issue around the house. Good luck on inheriting a crazy family who means well.

After the shower and losing the earrings we were off! We spent one night in Atlanta before driving up to North Carolina. We stayed in a beautiful bed and breakfast near Asheville. It was so beautiful. By no means was going to the mountains my idea of a honeymoon and it will still be a source of complaint for me forever, but if I were to consider this as just a nice trip, it was great. It was a very nice trip. It was very relaxing and secluded. It even had a hot tub! Overall we kept to ourselves although we did go hiking and get an amazing massage. I even read a new book.

The last night before we were supposed to go home, we bought tickets to the Biltmore Estates. After we bought the tickets, I was woken up to my first true test of our wedding vows. I promised to love Thomas in sickness and in health, and he got so sick! He woke up at three in the morning and did not go back to sleep expect in the bathroom. When it was time to check out, I put in we still use the tickets as they were, in my opinion, on the expensive side. Thomas agreed. So we went anyway. Thomas was whiney and grated on my nerves to the point of a huge argument on the front lawn of the Biltmore. Lovely. We then had to drive all the way home together. Overall it was a great trip and I enjoyed it. We have made plans to return on my spring break.

Overall, I think that a honeymoon, regardless of location, is really about the bride and the groom getting a break! It was immensely stressful planning our wedding with all of the compromises along the way. Just for us to be able to escape and get away and only focus on us even for a week. It was nice to sit back and look at Thomas and know that he was my husband. So even though it was not my ideal location, we grew so much closer as a unit. So we have come to the end of the recap. That was our wedding and the beginning of our marriage. It was the first of many steps that brings you closer to our forever family.

Wish #5: I wish for you to know true, all consuming love.