Rainbow Toes

Dear Caroline,

Of all the traditions I hope to start with you, I was introduced to another one today.

Almost one year ago, the world changed forever. I was at an alumni football game with my sister Leah when my mom called and said that we needed to come home.  We instantly knew that something was wrong. When we got home, my mom told us that the Kings, a family friend, had been involved in a car accident and no one knew how Makiah was doing- that it was touch and go. Carmen came over and dropped off her infant son and immediately left for the hospital to be with Rachel and Cameron. It was around eleven o’clock that we got the call and they told us that Makiah did not survive the “accident” and she had gone to heaven. We honestly did not know how to react to that.

I remember sitting with Cameron at Carmen’s wedding and hearing him say that Rachel was the most beautiful woman in the world and that one-day he would marry her. I remember seeing Makiah at so many family functions it isn’t even funny. I knew that Cameron would be the minister that married Thomas and I at our second ceremony about eight months. I was looking forward to meeting their twins and watching Makiah enjoy being the big sister. 

Today I was on Facebook (a social networking website in case that isn’t around in twenty years!) and I saw an event asking everyone to paint their toenails to remember Makiah. I imagined us together painting our toenails together and telling you the story of the sweet princess who you’ll never meet and asking you to remember to take each day as a gift as tomorrow is never promised. I hope I never forget to take those tomorrows for granted. Here is the link to Rachel's blog in case that is still around when you can read it and understand.

Wish #3: Take each day as a gift from God and thank him everyday.

Love always

Taken for Granted

Dear Caroline,

Family is a complicated thing. They make you laugh. They make you cry. They frustrate you to death. They are also highly taken for granted.

This will be the first year without my grandparents at Christmastime. My favorite parts about Christmas took place in the house where we are now living. I am sitting my grandfather’s chair looking at the place where their Christmas tree always went. That is what Christmas means to me. It means celebrating around the tree with family. But as I got older, the holidays got more and more complicated. It is no longer about celebrating with family, now it is about politics and who gets more time. I am especially frustrated at the thought of this year’s festivities. I miss an uncomplicated day with family. I think we might stay home and do our own thing and make our own family traditions. I wish people would stop being selfish and asking people to make unfair decisions. If you decide to leave, then you miss out completely. Guess they won’t get any time at all. I can see this being how it is in the future as well. It makes me miss my family. But I will be proactive and control the decisions I have control over. But dear Caroline, know that this might be the beginning on missing out of Christmas with some of your grandparents. This is the year it started. For that I am sorry, but I am not sorry for making the best decisions I could under the circumstances. We might just have a grandparent free Christmas when you arrive. That was their choice, not mine.

2.) I wish that you will always keep Christ in Christmas.

Love always

Bai Jia Be

Dear Caroline,

It is official, you are everywhere. I was flipping through the channels and on PBS is Arthur. I love that show for kids. The episode was about Binky Barnes, a character on the show, is becoming a big brother. His family is adopting a new sister for him from China. It never ceases to amaze me that even when I’m tired, God still finds a way to remind me that you are a big part of my life. It was a fun way to explain adoption to children and I imagine that if we should have biological children before you are born (highly, highly unlikely in my plans, which means nothing to God!) we’ll show it to them.

But the most interesting thing from the episode was this idea about creating something called a Bai Jia Be or a 100 Wishes Quilt. An explanation is below.

What is a 100 Good Wishes Quilt?

To welcome and celebrate a new life, there is a tradition in the northern part of China to make a Bai Jia Bei, or 100 Good Wishes Quilt. It is a custom to invite friends and family to contribute a patch of cloth with a wish for the baby. Part of the patch of cloth goes into the quilt for the baby, and the other part of the cloth can go into a creative memory notebook with the wish for the child. The quilt contains the luck, energy, and good wishes from all the families and friends who contributed a piece of fabric. The quilt is then passed down from generation to generation.

We found out about 100 wishes quilts through friends who adopted a daughter from China. It is a tradition to greet the new baby with a 100 Good Wishes Quilt. Although this is a Chinese tradition, it is a great tradition for any child to be welcomed this way. What a treat to read the good wishes when the child is older to know how much they were wanted!

I can completely see us doing something like this for you. Quilting is already such a large part of our family. My maternal grandmother spent a lot of her time quilting. One of my most prized mementos from her is a quilt that she made just for me. We also have a couple that she made just for herself in the new house and I will probably take them with us. You can feel the love that was put into it, and I treasure it immensely. I can only imagine how great this would be to give to you to have always. As I won’t have a pregnancy journal with you, this could be a fun gift for you. But until then I’ve decided to create a personal 100 wishes list for you just a gift from me to you.

1.) I wish that you’ll dream big. Dream huge. I believe in you!

Love always

Tears

Dear Caroline,

Today was a trying day.

8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Words to live by.

I’m tired.

I love you.

Love always

Who knows?

Dear Caroline,

I feel a lot older than I actually am. I went through a lot of old pictures this morning. What struck me was how few pictures I actually have of just myself. All the pictures are of me doing something or being somewhere I thought was important. Very few of them was of what I consider to be myself. I was “that” girl in high school that had a disdain for everything high school. I spent most of my time fantasizing about what it would be like in college. While in college, I spent most of my time planning for my “real life” after graduation. Now I’m in my real life and I am still thinking about the next step. I think there is something seriously wrong with me in that I have a difficult time slowing down and living in the moment.

I had so many things I wanted for myself. I wanted to spend a year in the Peace Corps. I wanted to go to law school. I wanted to study abroad for a semester or at least over the summer. I’m twenty-two and I am refocusing on letting those things go without feeling like I failed. I feel so small town in that I got married and moved back home. It goes against everything I wanted for myself. I wanted so badly to make a difference and have this fabulous life.

I really think that God laughs at our plans. While accomplishing all of those things were in my plans, I was also praying that God would place the love of my life in my path. I also prayed for him in his daily walk and that he would be preparing his heart for our life together. I never imagined He would place Thomas in my life so soon! This is the path that God has chosen for me and I am really excited about all of the opportunities and the blessings I have in my life. I have been so blessed throughout my life. I have an amazing job that is immensely rewarding. I am newly married to the love of my life. We’re working on making all of our dreams come true. My point to this rambling letter is that while life may not always go our way, God has designed it with our best interests at heart. Who knows where we will end up? Only He does.

Love always

The Other Side of Adoption

Dear Caroline,

I have been researching adoption from the other side. I have read horrible stories about what happens to Chinese girls that are abandoned. One article in particular scared me half to death!

There are many reasons for abandonment. Most of them are government issues but there are others. But the bigger, larger, more complex reason is that everything happens for a reason. You were meant to live with us. Today especially, the weight of your biological parents has been weighing on me intensely. I can only imagine the difficult decisions they must make. I have decided to begin to pray for your mother especially and pray for positive decisions and peace. It is very, very premature. But I started praying for my husband when I was ten so maybe not. It is insane to me to think that your biological mother could be a child as of today. She could be eight years old or younger! She has no idea the gift she will be giving us. I have decided to begin a novena just for her and I hope she can find peace. I will be making a prayer “schedule” of the various people we need to be praying for. This includes your biological parents, the initial orphanage, and the various social workers you’ll encounter. We’ll also be praying that you will be placed with an amazing Christian foster family until we can come to you. We’ll be starting this on Monday as various novenas and we’ll be repeating them often. Know that you are already being prayed for earnestly.

Love always

Heaven is for Real

Dear Caroline,

I just finished an amazing book. It is called Heaven is for Real. I really hope to share it with you one day. I have so many questions for our Father. The book definitely answered many of my questions and posed many more. I walked away with a calm. I truly believe that God personally placed you on my heart. I don’t think I was called to adopt. I think that God designed our family with you in it and placed a love for you that makes it intolerable to think that you aren’t here. The book left me with a deep sense of calm. It reaffirmed that heaven is outside of time and that is where you are.

More important than meeting my grandfather, and that is saying something, I know that you are being wrapped up in the arms of the Savior that will give you to us. You are being loved on by the ultimate Mother. You are worshiping and basking in the glory of God. I should not be impatient but enjoy this time as you are. I have nine years to prepare my heart from motherhood. I need to take advantage of that and rediscover that relationship with my Father as you are doing now.

As I write to you, my heart swells as I fall deeper in love with you. It makes me so happy to imagine you in heaven. I hope that you get to read these letters as prayers and that you will be ready to join this family. I hope that God lets you know that He designed you just for us and shares with you my love. I hope you know today that your mommy loves you and desperately misses you. While I feel a deep calm that my Savior is caring for my daughter, the humanity in me longs for you here. Until you are born and join our forever family sometime later, we will be praying for your biological parents with new earnest. Enjoy heaven sweet girl! I know its for real and that is where you are.

Love always

Blessed

Dear Caroline,

The more I think of you, the more things continue to pop into my mind. The hardest thing for me is the fact that you missed out on knowing the single most important person in my life.

I had an amazing childhood. I had supportive parents. My mom stayed home. I had a lot of exposure to some amazing experiences. But the single best thing in my life was my grandparents. We were so lucky that they lived next door. My grandfather especially was the perfect Granddaddy. He took me fishing. He let us stay up super late. He made the best pecan pancakes. He treated me like a princess. He loved me more than words can describe and I love him to the moon and back. There are days that I think about him all day and everyday. We were so fortunate to have been blessed with him for as long as we were. He died almost three years ago, and I still expect him to be around. I miss watching Braves games with him. I miss his voice. I miss how we would hold hands and eat popcorn. Lately missing him has become more acute. We moved into my grandparent’s home for now. I always expect to see him here. It is both a blessing and a sadness to be here.

I have always thought of heaven as outside of time. I think of heaven as where your soul is before you’re born and after you die. It is my sincerest hope that you are enjoying your time there and that you get to meet and love my Granddaddy. I hope that heaven has ponds and he takes you fishing. I hope he gets to make you the best pecan pancakes. I hope you get to see his love of baseball. Make sure you get lots of kisses. He gives the best ones. Soak it up. Nothing makes me sadder in such a profound way as knowing you will miss out on knowing him in your life here. I hope that you have a grandparent that shapes you the way mine did. Hopefully you will be as blessed as I was.

Love always

Not My Map

Dear Caroline,

Thomas and I have been discussing our career plans. I love my job. I fought against becoming a teacher for years for various reasons. When I changed my major in college it took almost three months for me to tell people because I knew I would get a lot of I told you so-s. Thomas, however, has begun to realize that a career change might be in his future.

I really admire Thomas. I admire him for many, many reasons. But mostly I admire him for making difficult decisions that made him who he is today. He currently works in a thankless job in the corrections department. What he does is very important to society in that he keeps people who have made bad decisions away from the general public. It makes me sad to see him work in such a dangerous place that he is beginning to tire of. I think that ultimately he will end up teaching in a high school or college somewhere. I think he would make a difference in that environment.

There are so many things continuing to weigh on my mind. Many things that aren’t really appropriate. I will continue to offer it up and hope that my plans are His plans. I think that God laughs at my plans and steers me in places I do not want to go. I am hesitant to follow because I might not like where I end up. I am terrified to wake up at eighty and still be living in my hometown. I want so many bigger things. It is my hope that you can accomplish everything you set your mind to. I hope you can define early what you want out of life. We will be supportive of those decisions. But more importantly trust our Father who knows your past, your present, and your future.

Love always

No Boxes

Dear Caroline,

I knew someone in college who I admired a great deal. I don’t think he really knew that I existed other than perhaps registering that I worked in an office on campus. But I really admired him for a lot of reasons. He had the courage to leave our country and study abroad for a year in Germany to foster an understanding for the language and culture. He also puzzled me in that he never spoke of his personal life and when I asked a roommate, who actually knew him, he mentioned the same thing. I always tried to put him in a box and “figure” him out.

It was around the same time that Thomas and I began discussing marriage. When I was a child, it was a requirement that we attend church. It was kind of a no brainer that we would attend church, sing the songs, and “listen” to the sermon. But there was no relationship. I never even thought of God in that manner. As I got older the visits to church became more and more infrequent. In college Thomas went through a phase of insisting on church. It was the same formula of sit, sing, listen, altar call that I had endured as a child. I was not interested, but I was also not comfortable in racing to the altar without becoming a member of a church. So we basically went church shopping. I think we literally tried every Christian church in the greater Valdosta area. Then we found St. John’s. It was the first time I felt a home and at peace. It fostered the relationship I was looking for. We converted into the Roman Catholic Christian faith two years ago and I would never feel at home at any other Church. It is truly an interactive faith and includes me in Mass. At the core of my faith is love. That was the scriptural theme for our wedding. This love supersedes arbitrary rules. This means loving everyone and letting God judge. I am only human and I make mistakes, but it is never a mistake to be with the person that God created for you to be with. I think that humanity is a highly organized species. We thrive on labels and neat boxes to make sense in an unorganized, messy world. I am guilty of this myself. However, it is not my place to choose not to love another child of God based on a label.  It is my hope to raise you in a spirit of love in the Catholic Church. We hope to raise you in love and hope to enable you to love and respect everyone you meet. It is my hope that you won’t even register a label much less judge a person based on it. It is my hope that you are so full of Christ’s love it is reflected to everyone you meet. It is my hope that you see others the way God sees them. That means loving the person for how He created them to be in all of their perfections and imperfections and not putting them in a box. I love you without seeing any boxes. And if blogger still works in twenty years, you should definitely check out my college friend's blog on the issue.  

Love always

Big Day

Dear Caroline,

Today was the biggest career day of my life. I am officially a teacher. I am teaching pre-kindergarten and have twenty-two children. It was a long day but it was also so much fun. My kids already have my heart. I have a lot of sweet snuggle bunnies and I have also gotten my first "I love you"s. But I am also very strict and the ones who didn't follow the rules have told they are mad with me. It must be working because at the end of the day we walking in a line to the bathroom! We did have a few tears but it is going to be a fantastic year. I have an amazing and supportive teacher in my classroom at all times. I wish so many wonderful things for her and I am so happy that she has is such a strong prayer warrior.

For more importantly in my family life, I met with the financial planner. He completely understood where we were coming from with our planning goals. We made a plan and, with God’s grace, we will be in a position to have a debt free adoption on my current Pre-K salary alone. I am excited that we have officially begun concretely planning for your arrival. You will be here in the blink of an eye and I will remember today as both the first day of my teaching career and as the day you became real. To say this is a big day is an understatement.

Love always  

Worth the Wait

Dear Caroline,

Some people might think that nine years is a long time to wait for you. Then I remember that I waited six and a half years to marry Thomas. No one thought we would get married and that it was a long time to wait for something. It makes me sad to think that we live in a world where if something doesn’t happen instantly, it isn’t worth having. I believe that the best things happen to those who wait.

Our road to the altar was a long one! I was fifteen when I met Thomas. I was dating someone else casually and we met at a debate tournament. I was a green little teenager and he was a senior. Neither of us had planned to attend the event at the University of West Georgia. Our debate coaches pretty much forced us into going and we sat next to each other. The rest is history. We had so many obstacles to getting to the altar. We were both in high school when we met; we helped each other through divorces and family deaths. We survived the long distance and maturity issues. We just had a hard road to get where we are. It isn’t perfect, but we’re still working and growing in love each day. As of today, we’ve been married for two months. We cannot wait to hold you in our arms and make our family complete. I know that you, like Thomas, will be worth the wait.

Love Always

My Furbaby

Dear Caroline,

One of my favorite things to do after attending school meetings and working late is to snuggle with Sammy. It was a sad thought when it occurred to me that more likely than not, Sammy will only be a fond memory by the time you join our family. That makes me sad because he was the first thing that was ever truly mine. I am pretty wiped out after work today so I thought I would introduce you to him.

 This was the very first night that we got him.

 He is really a male! See the attention to the computer?

 He used to be so small. Now he is 22 pounds.

 He used to peak out of my window and ruin my blinds!

 Our first Valentine's Day. Thomas was playing video games.

 So snuggly

 He would jump on the book case to raise the roof.

 Speaking of Christmas, this was last Christmas and he hates being held.

Learning patience

Dear Caroline,

I am officially a teacher. My first lesson is that teachers have to sit through a lot of meetings. I still feel unprepared but we have more meetings tomorrow! It felt amazing being introduced to the staff as a teacher. I even got my nametag today! I will be teaching twenty-two four year olds. There are so many things I am looking forward to. I am excited to expose so many little people to so many different things. They grow so quickly and absorb so much. But I think the most anticipated part of pre-kindergarten is Christmas! I love Christmas in general, but I am especially excited for this year. I am so ready to write letters to Santa and sing Christmas carols and I even plan to sneak in some Advent calendars. Thinking of this special time with other people’s children makes me miss you. I can’t wait until we get family Christmases. I can’t wait to write letters to Santa, bake Christmas cookies, attend Christmas Mass, sing sweet songs, and see the absolute joy of the miracle of Christmas in your face. All in due time suppose. I can’t wait until those things come to pass, but we have a long time to wait. Until then I suppose God is teaching me patience. Patience in my wait for you and in a smaller way patience for my little people. Colossians 3:12

Love always